The Groupie Routine Frank Zappa

Frank Zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Mark Volman (vocals)
Howard Kaylan (vocals)
Jim Pons (bass, vocals)
Don Preston (keyboards, electronics)
Ian Underwood (keyboards, alto saxophone)
Aynsley Dunbar (drums)

I mean, really, really, I mean, you guys,
What can I say, you guys are my favorite band
You gotta tell me somethin',
Are you here in Hollywood long?
I mean, I just...
No, I'm ah, we're recording here in town
You're recording here?
Yeah, at the Record Plant
The Record Plant?
Yeah
Oh, Bobby Sherman records here
I just love Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy
Do you know David Cassidy?
No, I...
Have you ever run into any members of the Tree Dog Night?
Joe Shermy once I...
Oh! They are my favorite band!
They're so professional, I mean...
So creative...
How 'bout David Crosby? I mean...
He's so in, you know, I...
No, I never...
He's...he just knows...
I mean, he almost cut his hair but he didn't
No, listen, ah, do you know how...
Do you know how to get to the Chateau Mormon from here?
Not exactly...is it by the, by the airport?
No no, we don't, we have a bus on this particular thing
Oh!
Yeah
Tell me one thing: do you like my new car?
Oh yeah! It's a...Pavilion, isn't it?
Oh, not just a Pavilion, it's a Pauley Pavilion
Oh!
Yeah, it's real futuristic,
I like the little naked man turn signals
So ah, we gotta get up, you know,
And ah, go to the studio in the morning
And then we groove court for about two weeks
And then we ah, we leave again
Oh, really?
Where do you play when you go from here?
Ah, let me see...Needles...
Oh oh! You guys are so professional
No, it's nothing...
I mean the way you get to travel to all those exotic towns
You get to playin' and playin' in all these great sounding
halls
Tell me somethin': do you really have a hitsingle in the
charts now?
Right now, I mean, with a bullet?
That's really important
Listen baby, would I lie to you
Just to run my fingers through your pukes?
Don't talk to me that way!
I am not a groupie!
I never said that...
I'm not a groupie
Neither are my friends here
Jim and Ian and Aynsley and Don and Frank
None of us are groupies
Pleased to meet all you girls
Hiya Howie...
Tell 'em, tell 'em, we don't...we aren't groupies
Howard
Yeah
We only like musicians for friends
That's right
You, you know, you understand?
We still wanna hear your record
You know, we still like to come in your bus
Listen now, on the other side of the record,
Didn't you say that you got off bein' juked
With a baby octopus and spewed upon with cream corn?
And that your hair-lipped queen-o-bassplayin' girlfriend
With the cross ties and the tits on her shirt
Had to have it with a hot Seven-Up bottle or you went up the
wall?
Oh! Howie...
What's the deal, mama?
Howie, all that's true, Howie
And sometimes I even dig it with a Jack-In-The-Box ring job
But Howie, we are NOT, we are NOT groupies, Howie
I told Robert Plant that
I told Elton John
I told Steve Stills
Yeah
And he didn't even wanna ball me
I can see that...
Listen, the thing is baby, I want some action, you know
I'm only here for a couple of weeks,
Recording at the Record Plant
With that naked statue in the bathroom and stuff...
I'm horny as fuck!
Listen to me...
I want a steaming, succulent, juicy, drippy, ever-widening
Kind of a smelly, slimy, many folded,
Sort of in-and-out contracting sphincter
Kind of a hole with a, with a, with a...
Let's see, there's gotta be a way I can put this discreetly
Let's say we hop in the isle over those guys
And the blewin' FUCK BABY!
Hey, hey, hey!
I'm in this band man...
I told you that many times
No matter what goes on
Listen! It just so happens tonight
I mean, this is unbelievable
Are you a Virgo
No...
I mean, it just so happens tonight
Me and my girlfriends, well,
We came here lookin' for a guy from a group
Ah!
But just not ANY guy from ANY group
Yeah...
We're lookin' for a guy from a group with a DIK
Well, I can show you!
But he's gotta have a dik which is a monster!
(Wow!)
That's me!
You peeked!
That's me, you little Westward wench nipple-queen!
Take me, I'm yours, you hole.
Fulfil my wildest dreams!
Oh! Anything for you my most seductive pop star of a man.
Yeah?
Picture this if you can
Okay, I'll try...
Bead jobs
Knotted nylons
Bamboo canes
Three unreleased recordings of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
Fighting at the Fillmore East.
Oh!
Two unreleased recordings of...of the Grateful Dead,
Sitting in with Mel Torme
Yeah!
No! I...
Oh! Man! Oh, I, I just...
I can't stand it!
Do you understand me baby?
I mean, I can't stand it!
I can't stand it!
I can't stand it!
...
I gotta see my baby!
I gotta...
I can't stand it!

---